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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27540667">to think that we could stay the same</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shmowder/pseuds/shmowder'>shmowder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Unrequited Love, all character death is canonical, its ambiguous - Freeform, its really just angst im sorry, juhani mission and zalbaar are mentioned but not enough to tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:48:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27540667</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shmowder/pseuds/shmowder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a study on carth onasi and the woman he loved.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carth Onasi/Revan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to think that we could stay the same</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he watched from across the room as she was dealt a new hand in pazaak. she rotated the cards deftly between her fingers- in a similar fashion to the way she flips her lightsaber around before she powers it on.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">revan is not a woman to do things in “style”, not intentionally at least, yet she carries herself with a kind of grace that is simply infectious. carth had caught himself feeling the need to straighten his posture when she was looking.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">she was so elegant when she fought, carth had found himself nearly avoiding a stray blast because he was staring. the heat of the bolt grazing the side of his face was enough to bring him back into the moment.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he remembered her coming to check on him after that day.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he noticed her knuckles were bruised one night, after a long day trudging through tatooine’s endless dessert, and decided to leave it alone. the next day she wrapped them with bandages.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he noticed after a fight with a dark jedi, the side of her robe had been seared off by a lightsaber. the next day she had changed into a new, blue one. he thought it fit her much better than brown.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he noticed her eyes were heavier than normal, redness circled around them. he asked if she was alright. the next day she avoided his gaze. she was assured in her decisions, she knew what she needed to do so certainly. she was straight as an arrow, and he doubted it was without a reason. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it was funny, how far they had come. from dragging her out of a wreckage, blood caked on her face, to watching her lead a crew so assuredly that he even doubted himself some times. maybe it was because she was a jedi, but then he considered bastila’s effect on him and decided it must have been more.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">she was adaptable too- she always knew exactly what to say. one late night, as the ship rested on dantooine’s surface, she sat in the cockpit with him, leaned against the navigation system. she couldn’t sleep and neither could he, so they spent their time chatting. then, she shot him a soft smile: a tired, resigned smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">if carth didn’t know he was in love before, he knew now.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">tonight, she had spent the day on manaan, and had not returned. she took juhani and bastila, despite his wishes. he was thinking about her (as he always did late at night), and chalked it up to worry, but he knew it was more. he knew she could handle herself, he knew he would be able to tell if something was wrong, and he wasn’t stupid by any stretch.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he heard mission and zalbaar speaking softly (or as soft as you can with a wookie) in the supply room, their words echoing and bouncing on the metal around them. he heard the gears spinning and whirling from the dashboard. it was so quiet when she wasn’t there- and his thoughts were the loudest they had ever been.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and they were all about her.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he had his doubts, of course- but after all she’d done for him, it wasn’t too far of a stretch. he had feelings for people before, of course. he knew he truly did love his wife, but now that seemed so distant, and this felt like something completely new. it was terrifying.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">she made him feel comforted with her soft words and smiles, yet he was so nervous that he could fuck it all up at any moment. this was almost unbearable at this point, but he yearned for more and more. he felt greedy, like he was stealing her time from her, yet she always reciprocated.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">then, they found dustil. a new boy- no, man that carth was so unfamiliar with. the last piece of his past laid bare in front of him, and he couldn’t even reach out for it himself. she was the one to draw him back to himself, even if carth would never admit it. his promise to be met at telos was all he had to cling to.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">but this sinking feeling in his chest wouldn’t go away, he couldn’t push this down like he so often did. he feared she was being set up for a fall, and that it would soon be all over.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">for once, he voiced his opinion.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">again, he had the wool pulled over his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the leviathan held carth with heavy hands, he felt the metal creak under his boots as he was shoved forward with a blaster pressed to his back. she was at his side (or was he at her’s?) with her head held high, of course.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he swore his vision went red on the bridge, finally able to snuff out saul with his own hands- only for it to all fall apart.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he felt as if his world was being ripped out from under him, and he wished he could be stabbed in the back physically as well. he bit his tongue, but let himself go when he dragged themselves back to the ship.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">even with the disgrace of the dark lord weighing on her soldiers, she stood tall, and carth straightened his spine in turn. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the crew supported her, of course, why wouldn’t they? he guessed he would as well, but he wasn’t much of a follower.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he should have seen it coming.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">crashing on a foreign planet when on a time sensitive mission was less than ideal, and carth wanted to keep the closest eye on her as he could. he could feel her time (destiny?) getting closer by the minute.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i love you” are very scary words for a man like carth to utter. it wasn’t that he was ready, but he felt that the time to say it was slipping away. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">so he told her.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he told her how he cared, wanted, and needed her to be alright. he loved her so dearly, so truly, that this was the only thing he could be sure of in this moment. he was correct in his loving, for once. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">revan was always a woman of action, but she always enjoyed a quick foreword, and for once she said nothing at all. she just kissed him- an unspoken promise shared between them. like her, it was commanding and overwhelming, strong and sturdy.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he replayed that in his head for his next week while he was on the ship.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he was only shattered out of his thoughts when she came back to the beach, bastila in tow. he truly thought his world was ending, he should have known. he should have seen her sad smile as she leaned back from that kiss. he should have noticed her lengthy goodbye when she left for the temple.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">as he ran away he heard mission begin to cry. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the republic must think him a coward, or an idiot. his dying wish: to be let down on the star forge- to see her. waiting for her to emerge victorious at the hangar made him feel foolish, but carth wasn’t stupid.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he heard the blast door open, and he rose to his feet. he blocked bastila out, and pleaded the best way he knew how. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he used every word and phrase he picked up from her, he mirrored her stance, he spoke to her- he spoke to the woman he loved.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">a hole burned itself into his heart.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">even now, he was glad he couldn’t have brought himself to jump ship on taris.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">even now, he was glad to have had her. for once, he didn’t need more.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">if anything, he was glad to die by the woman he loved’s hand, even if it was no longer her own.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title is from two slow dancers - mitski<br/>sorry about this &lt;33<br/>for benny and raven</p></blockquote></div></div>
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